‘In my solitude you haunt me with reveries of days gone by.’
So, here I am, Christian and gay. Signed, sealed, ‘delivered’. Great. Now what? Hm, that was put a little more impudently than I intended. What I mean is; what do I now do about it (without going too Evangelical…)? ‘Temptation’, an unattractively religious and sweeping word, rears its ugly head. OK, so it’s difficult being the ‘only gay in the parish’, or something. This time last year there’d have been nothing holding me back from someone who would definitely go for me. But, don’t remind me about this time last year *shudder*.
‘In my solitude you taunt me with memories that never die.’
Yes, certain feelings for a certain person have been, and continue to be. Perhaps I’m just flattered by his alleged obsession. Perhaps I’m just ensnared by the all-too-real impression he left. And here I am, accepting an invitation to his party. I’m not in control of myself when I’m on facebook…
‘I sit in my chair, I’m filled with despair, there’s no-one could be so sad,’
Listless. I am honestly listless. After months of relative activity (hence the lack of blogging) I find myself with nothing to do but mope. Unemployable! Over-qualified for menial tasks, or so my ego tells me. What’s the cure for listlessness? I should make a list. A list of things I want from life, or something. But I’m not ready to lift the lethargy just yet. I want to curl up in it and lie-in until 4 in the afternoon, by which time I can probably start getting ready for my date with destiny. It’s not like I haven’t indulged in a little emotic (/emo-esque/emoid/emo (adj.)…) self-pity. I mean, who hasn’t lamented their singledom, late at night, dowsed in alcohol? Except, I have the added complication of not really wanting that kind of a relationship. Which I really do. But I don’t. But… Argh.
‘With gloom ev’rywhere, I sit and I stare, I know that I’ll soon go mad.’
So what if I turn this rock into bread and break my man-fast? Monogamy is for straight people (…). So what if I ‘take the plunge’ and throw myself off the cliff? Surely God’s Grace can save me from anything (…). So what if I worship the devil in return for ‘all the kingdoms of the world and their glory’… OK, so my Biblical analogy (cf. Mt 4:1-11) breaks down after the first two points. But you hopefully get the picture.
‘In my solitude I’m praying, dear Lord above, send back my love.’
Uff. Something’s gotta happen now or something’s gonna give. Quote. That’s not an ultimatum, it’s a warning. I need a stronger faith, perhaps coupled with a nice Christian boyfriend, or I’m going to stray off the ‘straight’ and narrow. I think God hears all prayers. Even electronic ones.
Get thee behind me Satan. Physically.
